i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
