i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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