my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
