is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
