I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
