On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
