Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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