Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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