Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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