jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
