so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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