I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
