in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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