I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
