I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
