no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
