Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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