"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
