No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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