I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
