he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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