giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
