Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
