hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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