The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
