I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
