I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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