What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
