I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
