She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Semen is not good for contacts.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
