happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
