I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
