i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
