Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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