I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
