Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
