My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I intend to get homeless drunk
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Houston, we have a squirter
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
