What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
