There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
