Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
