Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
