Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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