why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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