god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
