I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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