You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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