i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
