Umm I'm too high to move.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
