Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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