I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
